Friday, April 18, 2014

I told you so...

I saved myself; thank you very much.
Nobody gets to be a hero without a villain in their life. So careful what you wish for.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

The Answers are Coming...

Such striking similarities...

I just can't wait till I learn how to fly.

Big Bang

And now the hero comes back from his journey, exhausted and weary, but hopeful, inspired -- having escaped death.  He also has what he sought...

The elixir.
The reward for his courage--for surviving the ordeal.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Baggage Claim

We all come into relationships with our luggage--the baggage we accrue from growing up in the wonderful world of dysfunction. And if you think you are exempt from that label--guess again. We humans have not evolved yet as a species to be the all loving, nurturing beings we aspire to be. Hence the quest to awaken from the nightmare.

All the needs that never got met as children and beyond, all the broken dreams, disappointments and illusions--all the times you were shot down, not listened to, not taken seriously, abandoned, shamed, ignored, yelled at, all your insecurities-- That's what's in your suitcase.

And when a relationship ends, especially a long term one, and a marriage at that, with kids and all--well guess what? Your suitcase better have one of those expandable zippers on it, because your baggage just got a hell of a lot bigger.

You put all your trust in your partner and well, before that, you better have cut your apron strings with your parents and learned to make your own choices in life. If you are still trying to get in their good graces in some last chance attempt to get what you didn't get earlier as a child--good luck. Those scenes on the death beds in the movies rarely happen in real life. It's what we would like to see though so Hollywood serves it up aplenty as good fodder for the almighty buck. I sat at the bedside of my mother and watched her die and I left with a lot of unanswered questions. Not a heck of a lot of redemption to be had there. But I suppose it was better than nothing. I had to accept the story didn't end the way Hollywood would have liked it to. My father died alone and didn't even know who I was anyway thanks to the Alzheimer's. I buried both my parents on my own because it was the right thing to do and someone was going to do something right for a change and start forging a new groove in the family history book.

Water seeks it's own level so your choice of partner will reflect that. You'll both be coming from the same place even though it may not look that way at first glance. And you'll coast along until one of you starts changing (ie:waking up). I know when I started to change. It's when I started to question everything and wonder why the heck I was here. I changed my career from animation to children's books for starters and I saw a movie in 1999 that put me on the path as it had a powerful impact on me. And then my family started dying off on me at the same time my partner started to struggle with major health issues after and just before the birth of our son who also had major health issues. It was a never ending nightmare of 911 calls and hospital visits. And the grim reaper hovered around and would not go away.  First my mother, then my little brother, then my sister and finally he got my father. All stacked up and spread out ever so slightly in the short span of six short years. When my little brother died so unexpectedly and so violently and so young, it ripped me to my core and I woke up to another reality. There was more going on behind the curtain here than most people realize. I finally had my "awakening" and became "unplugged". This world we live in is complete illusion. Just like the movie in 1999 had suggested to me. Now I knew what it was talking about and now it was 2005. I had just experienced it first hand so nobody could tell me otherwise. You only understand what you experience--you can't take anybody's word for anything until you question it and experience it for yourself. 

I did not care anything for the material world any longer. It had no meaning to me. I was now searching for something deeper--something that made more sense. I was seeking to understand--I wanted to make sense out of all the heartbraking chaos that swirled all around me. There had to be a reason for it--because that was part of my new belief system. Things are not random occurences, there's a reason for everything that happens to us--and the connections are so wide-spread and so intricate that it literally blows the mind when one taps into the sychronicity of the Universe. It's an incredible network of precision. Yes, I believe that wholeheartedly.

And that, among other things, started to drive me and my partner in totally different directions. And it was a force that was bigger than both of us so there was no stopping it. It's now pretty clear it didn't want us to be together any longer. So it took a wrecking ball to the whole thing and smashed it to smithereens so there aren't even any pieces big enough to glue back together. And the Universe used whatever means necessary to get the job done. It plugged into the network and got some assistance from willing volunteers on their own warped trajectory to get the job done. It's going to kill two birds with one stone--it's just a matter of time for that other shoe to fall.

I've stood alone now for two years in another cycle of grief and loss. How easy it would have been to get into another relationship to avoid the painful work of opening the suitcase. But first you have to get on the escalator and go to baggage claim. You have to wait for your suitcase to come around on that conveyor belt and then you have to say "This is mine" and grab it. Then you go home and you open it. And you examine every little thing you put in there and you go over it with a fine tooth comb. And you sit with it for a good long time and you cry about it. And you get angry about it and want to throw it out the window. But with time and thought and reflection and a great deal of hard work, you sort it out. Some of the stuff you packed in there no longer fits. So you get rid of it. You try to get it down to a manageable carry on size, way under the 50 pound limit. Because you know one very important thing that you didn't know before. Water seeks it's own level, remember? So if you are light with your luggage, so too will be the next partner for you. So all this work is worth it. You are refining yourself, you are getting to know all your ins and outs--without distractions that keep you from mining the jewel that you are. And somewhere in there you make giant discoveries. One of the best being you know you are bigger than all of this; in fact, you are infinite! And most people are still locked into their smallness. When you think you are small, you act small. Be Big, be Brave--reflect on the failings of the past and know they were necessary for your growth. They were necessary for your transformation. No one becomes a butterfly without going into the cocoon. And there's no room for two in there btw. You go it alone.
And so you do.
And that sort of willingness, to go into that void, into that darkness, is what makes you a hero.
And it makes all of this okay.

Because it's all okay in the end. And if it isn't okay--then it's not the end.

Guess what? We got here... Finally.


Saturday, December 14, 2013


What does it mean to forgive? At first glance we think it means we have to forgive the person that wronged us--but that's not really it at all. I don't need to forgive the actions of two people who lied and manipulated and acted selfishly.  That is, not until I forgive myself. I've pondered this for a long while and when I first heard the idea that I needed to forgive myself--I did not understand. For what? And I'm not even talking about taking out the score card. Whatever happened in a relationship--happened.

But the addition of a third person only adds to the confusion and the misery and deepens the wound--this action goes far beyond whatever two people did together to screw things up. It really is an unnecessary evil. And one person pays heavily for that--more so than the other (but I do know, that will change later on in life because Karma will balance that equation).

At any rate, back to Forgiveness. What is forgiveness of the self exactly? It's the concept that the choice YOU made did not work out. Did not do what YOU felt it was supposed to do. Most people get angry at the other in the relationship because they did not do what the other person expected them to. And so they feel cheated, disappointed, robbed. They blame the other person for not living up to that standard because they won't own that choice they made. It's also easier to stay angry because it's a lot of work to look within - most people won't go there. It can be unbearably sad and crippling but it's the only way out.

That's the real pain. YOU did it. You have to own this.
The good news is you can do something about it.
You can forgive yourself for your very bad choice in people--they were not at your level even though you wished and wanted them to be--they didn't see you for who you were--in fact, they were blind to it--and they showed you who they were at their core at every turn but you didn't want to see them for who they really were.

Now, you see things clearly. Take a deep breath, forgive yourself--you did the best you could at the time but you did not know the makings of the world. You did not know much about life when you chose this person. You know better now--about the world, about choices. You will make better ones. You will look forward now and not behind.

You've been given a second chance. Forget the past. It brought you to this wonderful place of knowing.

And just look at who you have become.
What a surprise!
We did not know she was waiting to be born.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Picking Up Where You Left Off

I remember when I was a young whippersnapper, trying to break into the kid's book business and I attended every SCBWI event known to man. I even flew to NYC (my old stumping ground) once for their annual conference and heard Ellen Stoll Walsh speak about her books. I remember her talking about how she had sunk into a deep depression at some point in her life and had stopped making books for a while. I remember thinking "Depressed! How the heck can this woman be depressed!!! She has best selling books and a great career!" Back then I was chomping at the bit for such an opportunity and my life was relatively happy and carefree.

I also remember that once upon a time Charles M. Schulz was my hero. When I was an adult I got a biography on him and discovered he suffered from depression and I was crushed. WTF? I didn't want to hear it or know it. He was famous, successful and beloved by many--I didn't get it. Having also been surrounded by depression for most of my childhood--I didn't want any more of it.

Truth is bad things happen to good people and makes them lose their way sometimes. The tiniest things we take for granted when gone become crippling when they are taken away and life starts to lose it's meaning.

How do we find our way back? With tiny steps to unearth the joy of living again which usually means finding it in new and unexpected places. And giving ourselves permission to let it take it's good sweet time in presenting itself.

Anything worth having takes time. So we plant some seeds today and we try not to stand over them waiting for them to take root and grow. And we move on to the next grassy hill and pick up where we left off...

"Because there is no such thing as starting over...the new me will come in the next life..."

we just pick up where we left off and go down a different road---with a wealth of knowledge in our backpacks as well as a good compass.

And as for my peers? Well, God Bless Them, they're human--just like me.

Monday, December 2, 2013

believe it

The Universe did me a favor.  Thanks to all who made it possible!
You know who you are!